Posts
A smile is a mask i wear every day
I put it in place to say i'm ok
A quick witted comment a laugh here and there
mainly for people who don't really care
What lies underneath stays hidden away
To very few people the truth i will say
But once in a while some one will come by
And see past the smile to the pain in my eyes
I say that i'm fine,they smile and they say
I know that you are but are you really ok
Friday, 17 June 2011
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
poem why ?
I often sit and wonder why
you hurt me and you made me cry
I was just a child,a little kid
That didn't stop you doing what you did
I had nowhere to run to,nowhere to hide
because of the torment going on inside
I had no-one to turn to,not evem my mother
she wasn't the same,not like any other
she stuck by you through thick and thin
and let you commit the most dreadful sin
physical,mental and sexual abuse
you were like wild animals out on the loose
I think of the monsters i had growing inside
then the abortions,the facts i would hide
this shit that i carry,the hell i go through
And it's all because of BASTARDS like you !
you hurt me and you made me cry
I was just a child,a little kid
That didn't stop you doing what you did
I had nowhere to run to,nowhere to hide
because of the torment going on inside
I had no-one to turn to,not evem my mother
she wasn't the same,not like any other
she stuck by you through thick and thin
and let you commit the most dreadful sin
physical,mental and sexual abuse
you were like wild animals out on the loose
I think of the monsters i had growing inside
then the abortions,the facts i would hide
this shit that i carry,the hell i go through
And it's all because of BASTARDS like you !
This wasn't the only time my dear Uncle had left me unconscious,many times as a child i would come round after yet another beating to find him sat staring at me,or that he had left yet had the decency to cover me up.About two nearly three years ago Uncle Jerry turned up with one of the old gang,they were waiting outside the back door and grabbed hold of me as soon as i stepped outside.Jerry punched me in the face,and his pal pushed me back in through the door.I was slightly dazed as you can imagine,i was only going into my own yard for gods sake.
I didn't understand why he had brought this animal back into my life,He was older and slimmer than when i was a child,but i recognised his smug look immediately and he still had the same smell.At the time i didn't know the pals name,but i soon learnt his actual name was James,and he was to become another tormentor.
They pushed me around a little,and every time one of them hit me i lashed out right back at them.Deep down i knew i stood no chance against two men,but i also knew i had to try.James headbutted me so hard i fell to the floor,the force of the impact brought tears to my eyes.The minute i hit the floor Jerry pounced,pinning me to the floor holding my arms down.James was tugging at my trousers,i kicked as hard as i could,but he knelt on my legs.Jerry was the first to have sex with me,while James made sure i couldn't scream.When Jerry was done,James then took his turn whilst Jerry kept me quiet.Once they had finished i stupidly thought they would just leave,but how wrong could i be.Jerry grabbed the hammer and forced it inside me,they were both laughing.I shouted and screamed at them to stop,begged them to leave me alone but as usual they totally ignored my pleas.They used a few more household items,then both had sex with me at the same time.Pain and shame tore through me.When they were both satisfied they stood at the back door to have a smoke.Grabbing my trousers i pulled them on as quick as i could,fear and rage mixed together i threw myself at Jerry knocking him clean over.Siezing my chance i kicked him in the head,James grabbed me and threw me against the wall,my head bounced off like a tennis ball.
Jerry was standing infront of me pure hatred in his eyes,i spat in his face in defiance i guess.He grabbed me by the throat and punched me several times in the face,i slid down the wall and James kicked me in the stomach so hard i doubled over in pain.He pulled me up by the hair and Uncle Jerry kneed me between the legs before pushing me face first into the wall.Instinct and a need to survive kicked in,and i fought back to the best of my ability.I manage to get a couple of punches in,but they were just too strong i couldn't beat them.Punches and kicks reigned down on me as i lay on the floor,i tried to crawl away but they dragged me back,my face felt like it was been ripped apart as they dragged me across the broken concrete.The last thing i saw was James boot infront of my face.
I could hear a voice in the distance"mum,mum are you in?" Oh no my daughter was here,i have to get up,i have to be ok was all i could think of.Crawling to the wall i began to pull myself up,but not quiet quick enough,"oh my god what the hell has happened" my daughter asked helping me up.Telling her i must have tripped over the broken concrete and knocked myself out,i insisted it wasn't nearly as bad as it looked.To say she was concerned is an understatement,she wanted to call an ambulance or a dr,but i wasn't having any of it,but i did agree i would go get checked out by my own gp if i didnt feel right the next day.Obviousely i felt far from ok,but i told every one it was only a fall and i was fine.My face was a complete mess,the skin was scraped off all down one side,my nose was swollen to nearly twice the size,my eyes were bruised and bloodshot.My wrist was swollen and grazed,and my stomach and between my legs were black.It took nearly three weeks for those injuries to heal,but a lot longer for the mental scars to heal.
I didn't understand why he had brought this animal back into my life,He was older and slimmer than when i was a child,but i recognised his smug look immediately and he still had the same smell.At the time i didn't know the pals name,but i soon learnt his actual name was James,and he was to become another tormentor.
They pushed me around a little,and every time one of them hit me i lashed out right back at them.Deep down i knew i stood no chance against two men,but i also knew i had to try.James headbutted me so hard i fell to the floor,the force of the impact brought tears to my eyes.The minute i hit the floor Jerry pounced,pinning me to the floor holding my arms down.James was tugging at my trousers,i kicked as hard as i could,but he knelt on my legs.Jerry was the first to have sex with me,while James made sure i couldn't scream.When Jerry was done,James then took his turn whilst Jerry kept me quiet.Once they had finished i stupidly thought they would just leave,but how wrong could i be.Jerry grabbed the hammer and forced it inside me,they were both laughing.I shouted and screamed at them to stop,begged them to leave me alone but as usual they totally ignored my pleas.They used a few more household items,then both had sex with me at the same time.Pain and shame tore through me.When they were both satisfied they stood at the back door to have a smoke.Grabbing my trousers i pulled them on as quick as i could,fear and rage mixed together i threw myself at Jerry knocking him clean over.Siezing my chance i kicked him in the head,James grabbed me and threw me against the wall,my head bounced off like a tennis ball.
Jerry was standing infront of me pure hatred in his eyes,i spat in his face in defiance i guess.He grabbed me by the throat and punched me several times in the face,i slid down the wall and James kicked me in the stomach so hard i doubled over in pain.He pulled me up by the hair and Uncle Jerry kneed me between the legs before pushing me face first into the wall.Instinct and a need to survive kicked in,and i fought back to the best of my ability.I manage to get a couple of punches in,but they were just too strong i couldn't beat them.Punches and kicks reigned down on me as i lay on the floor,i tried to crawl away but they dragged me back,my face felt like it was been ripped apart as they dragged me across the broken concrete.The last thing i saw was James boot infront of my face.
I could hear a voice in the distance"mum,mum are you in?" Oh no my daughter was here,i have to get up,i have to be ok was all i could think of.Crawling to the wall i began to pull myself up,but not quiet quick enough,"oh my god what the hell has happened" my daughter asked helping me up.Telling her i must have tripped over the broken concrete and knocked myself out,i insisted it wasn't nearly as bad as it looked.To say she was concerned is an understatement,she wanted to call an ambulance or a dr,but i wasn't having any of it,but i did agree i would go get checked out by my own gp if i didnt feel right the next day.Obviousely i felt far from ok,but i told every one it was only a fall and i was fine.My face was a complete mess,the skin was scraped off all down one side,my nose was swollen to nearly twice the size,my eyes were bruised and bloodshot.My wrist was swollen and grazed,and my stomach and between my legs were black.It took nearly three weeks for those injuries to heal,but a lot longer for the mental scars to heal.
Saturday, 11 June 2011
Feelings are running around in my head,and i don't really know what to do with them,or how to handle them.I am feeling almost a little proud of myself at the moment,for the way I am handling things with my Uncle.Yet at the same time i am afraid,because i know i am only making things worse in the long run.
You see i am not answering the door when he or him and his pal comes,instead i am hiding upstairs,like a frightened child waiting for something terrible to happen.In the past i have always given in and opened the door eventually,just wanting to get whatever is going to happen out of the way.Now however i find i need to protect myself,where as before i was only interested in protecting my children.Why the big change? well maybe it's because i know my body can't take much more,or maybe it's because the J's lead me to believe i don't actually deserve this torture,and don't have to put up with it.Whatever the reason,it is driving Jerry mad and he is making no secret of the fact that he wants me dead.
A few years back,Uncle Jerry thought he had actually achieved killing me,and he left me for dead at the bottom of the stairs in my own house,for my poor children to find me.Lucky for me,i was only knocked out and had come round before my kids had woken up.Jerry had forced his way into my house as usual,and was knocking me about telling me how much i enjoyed the beatings,and how excited it made him.My phone(which i had left upstairs)started ringing;normally i wouldn't attempt to answer it when he was there,but for some unknown reason i tried to run up to get it.I don't know what i was thinking,nor what i was going to say if i had got to answer it,but it didn't matter because Jerry grabbed my legs and pulled me so far down the stairs.My face scraped on the carpet as it bounced off the steps"what fucking game do you think you are playing tonight?"Jerry snarled,i found myself automatically apologising for my actions.This infuriated him even more.Banging my head repeatedly on the stairs,he held one arm behind my back while putting his knee in the middle of my back with more than a little force.Whilst he was raping me he kept saying "try to get away,i dare you".My children were asleep just yards away,so i knew i had to stay absolutely silent,and just let him get on with it.He dragged me almost to the bottom of the stairs,before turning me over and laughing at the carpet burns on my face.Jerry then tried to part my legs again"please don't"i begged,"i have had enough,aren't you satisfied you can see how much you have hurt me"i whispered."I will fucking say when it's enough"he replied.I put my hand against my weeping face almost hoping he would just go,but i knew only too well from past experience he was too riled up to stop just yet.Grabbing my wrist he forced it back so hard and fast,you couldn't help but hear the crack,I let out a little cry and he started laughing."Please don't wake my kids" was all i could say.Jerry raped me again still holding my poor wrist tightly,so that every thrust caused it to throb more and more.Finally he stood up,pulling me up after him by the wrist he told me to say thank you."Not on your fucking life" i replied.Grabbing my hair he smashed my head against the radiator,once,twice,then blackness.
Struggling to open my eyes,it took me a few minutes to register where i was.Pulling myself to my feet i hobbled into the living room,squinting at the clock i realised i must have been unconscious for a good half an hour or so.The most frightening thing i could think of was what if one of my kids had found me,what if they thought i was dead,what would it have done to them.Tears ran down my face thinking of my poor children,upstairs totally oblivious to the terrible events that had just happened in their home.Making myself a cup of tea i caught sight of my reflection in the mirror,i recoiled in horror at what i saw.Don't get me wrong,i am no oil painting,but this was hideous.My eyes were swollen and already going a nice shade of purple,my forehead had a huge lump almost from one side to the other.My lip was swollen and split,my cheek was bruising,and my face all grazed from the carpet.What a sight i looked,not unlike something from star wars.My wrist was severely swollen and painful by now,so i wrapped it in ice then placed a cold compress on to relieve both the swelling and the pain.Next but most importantly i had to think what i could tell the kids and anyone else who might ask.Three cups of tea,and ten cigs later,i had my story straight in my head.I had fallen down stairs,and hit my head against the radiator,and landed on one of the toys at the bottom.Not every believed this story,my GP and the practice nurse both desperately wanted me to go to a+e,but i flatly refused.My kids accepted my version of events,and that was all that mattered to me.Uncle Jerry rang my phone,withholding his number of course.Hearing my voice he sounded relieved,"i thought i had finished you off"he mumbled" "sorry to disappoint you"i shot back.Apparently he wasn't disappointed,because he wasn't finished with me yet,and couldn't imagine his life without me in it.
Obviously now things must have changed,and Jerry and I can't agree because i think they have changed for the better,whilst my dear Uncle strongly believes things are going down hill.I try really hard to not even answer the phone to him now,and 99% of the time when i hear it's him i just cut him off without saying a word.Most of you probably think this is such an easy thing to do,but please believe me when i say i never thought i would be strong enough,or brave enough to do these things.I always believed i had no choice,and it was how my life was meant to be,but this is what Jerry and the rest of my abusive family wanted me to believe.It is only with the love and support of true friends,that i have just started to believe i have a chance to change things,and i intend to change them for the better for me.That 1% where i do let him talk,is a minor set back,and i can punish myself for it,or i can say"it was a blip,now get back up there and keep fighting",i choose the second one,and am assured by the J's that i am winning!!!
You see i am not answering the door when he or him and his pal comes,instead i am hiding upstairs,like a frightened child waiting for something terrible to happen.In the past i have always given in and opened the door eventually,just wanting to get whatever is going to happen out of the way.Now however i find i need to protect myself,where as before i was only interested in protecting my children.Why the big change? well maybe it's because i know my body can't take much more,or maybe it's because the J's lead me to believe i don't actually deserve this torture,and don't have to put up with it.Whatever the reason,it is driving Jerry mad and he is making no secret of the fact that he wants me dead.
A few years back,Uncle Jerry thought he had actually achieved killing me,and he left me for dead at the bottom of the stairs in my own house,for my poor children to find me.Lucky for me,i was only knocked out and had come round before my kids had woken up.Jerry had forced his way into my house as usual,and was knocking me about telling me how much i enjoyed the beatings,and how excited it made him.My phone(which i had left upstairs)started ringing;normally i wouldn't attempt to answer it when he was there,but for some unknown reason i tried to run up to get it.I don't know what i was thinking,nor what i was going to say if i had got to answer it,but it didn't matter because Jerry grabbed my legs and pulled me so far down the stairs.My face scraped on the carpet as it bounced off the steps"what fucking game do you think you are playing tonight?"Jerry snarled,i found myself automatically apologising for my actions.This infuriated him even more.Banging my head repeatedly on the stairs,he held one arm behind my back while putting his knee in the middle of my back with more than a little force.Whilst he was raping me he kept saying "try to get away,i dare you".My children were asleep just yards away,so i knew i had to stay absolutely silent,and just let him get on with it.He dragged me almost to the bottom of the stairs,before turning me over and laughing at the carpet burns on my face.Jerry then tried to part my legs again"please don't"i begged,"i have had enough,aren't you satisfied you can see how much you have hurt me"i whispered."I will fucking say when it's enough"he replied.I put my hand against my weeping face almost hoping he would just go,but i knew only too well from past experience he was too riled up to stop just yet.Grabbing my wrist he forced it back so hard and fast,you couldn't help but hear the crack,I let out a little cry and he started laughing."Please don't wake my kids" was all i could say.Jerry raped me again still holding my poor wrist tightly,so that every thrust caused it to throb more and more.Finally he stood up,pulling me up after him by the wrist he told me to say thank you."Not on your fucking life" i replied.Grabbing my hair he smashed my head against the radiator,once,twice,then blackness.
Struggling to open my eyes,it took me a few minutes to register where i was.Pulling myself to my feet i hobbled into the living room,squinting at the clock i realised i must have been unconscious for a good half an hour or so.The most frightening thing i could think of was what if one of my kids had found me,what if they thought i was dead,what would it have done to them.Tears ran down my face thinking of my poor children,upstairs totally oblivious to the terrible events that had just happened in their home.Making myself a cup of tea i caught sight of my reflection in the mirror,i recoiled in horror at what i saw.Don't get me wrong,i am no oil painting,but this was hideous.My eyes were swollen and already going a nice shade of purple,my forehead had a huge lump almost from one side to the other.My lip was swollen and split,my cheek was bruising,and my face all grazed from the carpet.What a sight i looked,not unlike something from star wars.My wrist was severely swollen and painful by now,so i wrapped it in ice then placed a cold compress on to relieve both the swelling and the pain.Next but most importantly i had to think what i could tell the kids and anyone else who might ask.Three cups of tea,and ten cigs later,i had my story straight in my head.I had fallen down stairs,and hit my head against the radiator,and landed on one of the toys at the bottom.Not every believed this story,my GP and the practice nurse both desperately wanted me to go to a+e,but i flatly refused.My kids accepted my version of events,and that was all that mattered to me.Uncle Jerry rang my phone,withholding his number of course.Hearing my voice he sounded relieved,"i thought i had finished you off"he mumbled" "sorry to disappoint you"i shot back.Apparently he wasn't disappointed,because he wasn't finished with me yet,and couldn't imagine his life without me in it.
Obviously now things must have changed,and Jerry and I can't agree because i think they have changed for the better,whilst my dear Uncle strongly believes things are going down hill.I try really hard to not even answer the phone to him now,and 99% of the time when i hear it's him i just cut him off without saying a word.Most of you probably think this is such an easy thing to do,but please believe me when i say i never thought i would be strong enough,or brave enough to do these things.I always believed i had no choice,and it was how my life was meant to be,but this is what Jerry and the rest of my abusive family wanted me to believe.It is only with the love and support of true friends,that i have just started to believe i have a chance to change things,and i intend to change them for the better for me.That 1% where i do let him talk,is a minor set back,and i can punish myself for it,or i can say"it was a blip,now get back up there and keep fighting",i choose the second one,and am assured by the J's that i am winning!!!
Monday, 6 June 2011
My head is completely in bits at the minute,it feels like it is about to explode any second.The last few weeks have been a living hell,constant harassment and threats from Uncle Jerry leave me struggling to eat and sleep or just to function like a normal person.I am all too aware of the lengths Jerry will go to,to get what he wants,and when he doesn't get his own way he thinks nothing of turning up with one of his cronies and forcing his way into my home.This is what happend a couple of weeks back.I opened the back door to let the cat in,only to find Jerry and one of his pals pushing their way in.Panicking i tried to push the door closed before they got into the house,but i wasn't quick enough mainly due to the disability my operation has left me with;which was originally caused by Mother and Jerry over the years.Jerry shoved me,while his side kick punched me in the face.I fell backwards trying to grab the unit for support,i wasn't quick enough and my head bounced off the corner of the cupboard knocking me to the ground.Jerry struck me with his walking stick,telling me to stay down,i saw an opportunity and took it.Kicking out i knocked the stick from his hand,he stumbled but his pal saved him from falling,the look in his eyes told me i had just made a big mistake.
The stick struck me on the side of the head,while his pal kicked me in the ribs.Winded i struggled to get to my feet,the pal told me i could make this easy on myself or hard,it was my choice.No way was i going to make it easy for them,"go screw yourself"was my response.Needless to say this infuriated them both,"you have to push it don't you"Jerry sneared nodding at the other bloke who grabbed me by the hair and pulled me up.As he did so Jerry jabbed me hard between the legs with his walking stick,foolishly i yelped out in pain much to the amusement of my tormentors.The other bloke pushed me back against the sink,and pressed himself against me trying to get hold of the top of my trousers.Like lightening i brought my knee up into his groin as hard as i could,"You fucking slut"he spat.Jerry grabbed my operation site,the pain took my breath away and before i knew it i was slammed down onto the floor once more.Jerry placed his stick on my wound saying"don't try owt n i won't have to hurt you".
The pal pulled at my trousers,as i tried to stop him Jerry pressed a little harder on my wound.I stopped struggling and it was over in minutes,as his pal was pulling his pants up my darling Uncle urinated over me.I couldn't help it i vomitted splashing them both.Jerry was furious,yelling at me what a dirty fucking slag i was,nothing but a mucky whore,no wonder i can't keep a man or friends for that matter.I told him this was nothing new what he was saying,and to be honest it has got really boring.Knowing it didn't matter what they did to me now,i began to mock them.One of Jerry's most hated things is been called pet,so i kept saying things like whats matter pet,what you so angry for,is it cos you can't manage it now what with you been nearly dead.You daren't even come on your own anymore eh pet,because you know i will win you on a one to one.
Pretty stupid antagonising him really,but it was my only way of defence,and while i am concentrating on what to say to piss him off,i don't feel the pain,and the tears won't come.Once they had left,i ran myself a hot bath with lots of bleach in.I scrubbed myself raw,desperate to get rid of any trace of what had just happened.My eye and cheek were swollen,and my lip was grazed.My head had been bleeding but it wasn't really that sore.Jerry rang me later,telling me it wasn't meant to turn violent.It was my fault,i made them do it.If i hadn't tried to stop them coming in,or having their bit of fun it would have been fine.So yet again no matter what happened to me,i asked for it,it was my fault.Those words are the story of my life.
The stick struck me on the side of the head,while his pal kicked me in the ribs.Winded i struggled to get to my feet,the pal told me i could make this easy on myself or hard,it was my choice.No way was i going to make it easy for them,"go screw yourself"was my response.Needless to say this infuriated them both,"you have to push it don't you"Jerry sneared nodding at the other bloke who grabbed me by the hair and pulled me up.As he did so Jerry jabbed me hard between the legs with his walking stick,foolishly i yelped out in pain much to the amusement of my tormentors.The other bloke pushed me back against the sink,and pressed himself against me trying to get hold of the top of my trousers.Like lightening i brought my knee up into his groin as hard as i could,"You fucking slut"he spat.Jerry grabbed my operation site,the pain took my breath away and before i knew it i was slammed down onto the floor once more.Jerry placed his stick on my wound saying"don't try owt n i won't have to hurt you".
The pal pulled at my trousers,as i tried to stop him Jerry pressed a little harder on my wound.I stopped struggling and it was over in minutes,as his pal was pulling his pants up my darling Uncle urinated over me.I couldn't help it i vomitted splashing them both.Jerry was furious,yelling at me what a dirty fucking slag i was,nothing but a mucky whore,no wonder i can't keep a man or friends for that matter.I told him this was nothing new what he was saying,and to be honest it has got really boring.Knowing it didn't matter what they did to me now,i began to mock them.One of Jerry's most hated things is been called pet,so i kept saying things like whats matter pet,what you so angry for,is it cos you can't manage it now what with you been nearly dead.You daren't even come on your own anymore eh pet,because you know i will win you on a one to one.
Pretty stupid antagonising him really,but it was my only way of defence,and while i am concentrating on what to say to piss him off,i don't feel the pain,and the tears won't come.Once they had left,i ran myself a hot bath with lots of bleach in.I scrubbed myself raw,desperate to get rid of any trace of what had just happened.My eye and cheek were swollen,and my lip was grazed.My head had been bleeding but it wasn't really that sore.Jerry rang me later,telling me it wasn't meant to turn violent.It was my fault,i made them do it.If i hadn't tried to stop them coming in,or having their bit of fun it would have been fine.So yet again no matter what happened to me,i asked for it,it was my fault.Those words are the story of my life.
Friday, 27 May 2011
Today is a bad day,everything feels like it is too much to cope with.The mental torture is crushing me,everything is running round and round in my head and it feels like it is going to explode,exposing everything for all and sundry to see and scrutinize.The physical pain is dragging me down too.The pain from the operation site can be bad at times,but has been made worse recently after several knocks and bangs,not to mention the physical attacks from Uncle Jerry.I can't help but wonder why? Why did i have to be born into that family? Why did i keep my silence for so long,and why after fighting so hard to survive,do i wish i hadn't ??
Some people say life is what you make it,while some say things are sent to try us.Well i have tried to make something of my life,but it seems every time i start to get somewhere life turns round and smacks me in the face.Jerry is on a mission at the minute,he hates the fact i am getting on with life,no matter what he throws at me.He hates it that the J's haven't disowned me,no matter what i have disclosed to them.He hates it that i no longer hide myself away,frightened to leave the house for fear of another beating,or attack by someone Jerry has got on his side.Don't get me wrong;it's not easy,but i have to continue to fight for the sake of those who really matter.
My children know nothing of my abuse,and i would never ever want them to.Every time i have cuts or bruises from the latest attack,i think of an excuse.I have fallen,or walked into something.They have known this all there life,and often joke about how i could trip up over a matchstick.When they were younger Uncle Jerry would force his way into my house when the kids were in bed;not once did i make a noise and risk waking them up,no matter what he did to me.He raped and beat me often,but i could not risk my kids waking up and seeing that for fear of what it would do to them emotionally and mentally.
The J's are my rocks,but knowing how angry they get when Jerry is on one of his missions,worries me greatly.They hate it when he hurts me,it makes them angry and they want to stop him;and even though they promise me they won't do anything without my say so,i still get scared.Believe it or not things could get a lot worse for me,and i am lucky that the J's know this,and i believe this is the only reason they haven't taken matters in to their own hands.A part of me would love to bring Uncle Jerry and his cronies to justice;but this is never going to happen,i couldn't put my children through the torture they would have to endure(mentally it would destroy them).It would put every one involved in grave danger,and none of us need to be put in that position.I guess to a degree i am always in danger,but thats how my life has always been.The big difference now though,is that someone actually cares.Knowing that i have someone to turn to still feels kind of strange,yet very comforting.
My feelings seem to be changing minute by minute at the moment.I am flitting from Anger to Fear,from hope to desperation in the blink of an eye.One minute i feel like i am strong enough to carry on,the next i feel like that terrified little girl,desperate to be taken care of and held tightly in safety.Remembering the feelings of self hate and worthlessness,makes me feel so down that i struggle to want to live anymore.But i guess i am living these days;where as i spent so long merely existing,so that has to be a positive -doesn't it? I long for the day my Abusers finally die,i know this makes me a bad person,but i can't help the way i feel.Trying to imagine how i will feel when i hear the news is very hard,confusing even.It will be the best news ever,knowing he could never again hurt me,or make me feel like nothing.Living without the constant fear and continual harassment;will be very very strange,and in a way i think this in itself will be a little scary,as i haven't had a life without some sort of abuse.
My main struggle at the moment is staying strong,i feel like i am fighting every minute of every day,and never sure if i am going to win.When i am feeling reasonably ok,i am determined that i will be the winner.When i am going through melt down,i am not even sure if i want to,yet i know i don't have a choice.As i have said in a poem,i can't give in,can't let them win,and this is what i try to remember on bad days like today.
Some people say life is what you make it,while some say things are sent to try us.Well i have tried to make something of my life,but it seems every time i start to get somewhere life turns round and smacks me in the face.Jerry is on a mission at the minute,he hates the fact i am getting on with life,no matter what he throws at me.He hates it that the J's haven't disowned me,no matter what i have disclosed to them.He hates it that i no longer hide myself away,frightened to leave the house for fear of another beating,or attack by someone Jerry has got on his side.Don't get me wrong;it's not easy,but i have to continue to fight for the sake of those who really matter.
My children know nothing of my abuse,and i would never ever want them to.Every time i have cuts or bruises from the latest attack,i think of an excuse.I have fallen,or walked into something.They have known this all there life,and often joke about how i could trip up over a matchstick.When they were younger Uncle Jerry would force his way into my house when the kids were in bed;not once did i make a noise and risk waking them up,no matter what he did to me.He raped and beat me often,but i could not risk my kids waking up and seeing that for fear of what it would do to them emotionally and mentally.
The J's are my rocks,but knowing how angry they get when Jerry is on one of his missions,worries me greatly.They hate it when he hurts me,it makes them angry and they want to stop him;and even though they promise me they won't do anything without my say so,i still get scared.Believe it or not things could get a lot worse for me,and i am lucky that the J's know this,and i believe this is the only reason they haven't taken matters in to their own hands.A part of me would love to bring Uncle Jerry and his cronies to justice;but this is never going to happen,i couldn't put my children through the torture they would have to endure(mentally it would destroy them).It would put every one involved in grave danger,and none of us need to be put in that position.I guess to a degree i am always in danger,but thats how my life has always been.The big difference now though,is that someone actually cares.Knowing that i have someone to turn to still feels kind of strange,yet very comforting.
My feelings seem to be changing minute by minute at the moment.I am flitting from Anger to Fear,from hope to desperation in the blink of an eye.One minute i feel like i am strong enough to carry on,the next i feel like that terrified little girl,desperate to be taken care of and held tightly in safety.Remembering the feelings of self hate and worthlessness,makes me feel so down that i struggle to want to live anymore.But i guess i am living these days;where as i spent so long merely existing,so that has to be a positive -doesn't it? I long for the day my Abusers finally die,i know this makes me a bad person,but i can't help the way i feel.Trying to imagine how i will feel when i hear the news is very hard,confusing even.It will be the best news ever,knowing he could never again hurt me,or make me feel like nothing.Living without the constant fear and continual harassment;will be very very strange,and in a way i think this in itself will be a little scary,as i haven't had a life without some sort of abuse.
My main struggle at the moment is staying strong,i feel like i am fighting every minute of every day,and never sure if i am going to win.When i am feeling reasonably ok,i am determined that i will be the winner.When i am going through melt down,i am not even sure if i want to,yet i know i don't have a choice.As i have said in a poem,i can't give in,can't let them win,and this is what i try to remember on bad days like today.
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Uncle Jerry and his pals worked hard to come up with new ways to abuse and torture me,it was almost like a competition to see who could create the best games as they called them.Some were much worse than others,but all were degrading,painful and extremely abusive.After each of the games were carried out,they would almost congratulate the creator saying if it was better or not as good as the last one they tried.Some of the games even had names,and even now after all these years hearing those words they used as names causes me great distress,and a fear so great that i feel physically ill.Remembering the events causes me so much pain,both physically and mentally,that my body automatically responds in the way that it did during or after the actual abuse.This can be many different ways;physical pain so strong it can take my breath away, uncontrollable shaking,and of course the vomiting and nightmares that often follow such an event.
My abusers were in my opinion very very sick individuals,who thought nothing of using many different tools and gadgets not to mention animals,to torture and terrorize me.As i mentioned in a previous post,they led me to believe i had broken an alsation's leg kicking out at it to stop it biting my head.They had brought this poor dog in purely to satisfy their sick perverted needs,they wasn't bothered about either mine or the dogs welfare,so long as they got satisfaction.My hands were cuffed to the bed,and dog meat strategically placed both on and inside my body; apparently this was so the dog would like me,and not see me as a threat.Once the dog had eaten he was taken outside,and my uncle and his friend then had sex with me.Sasha my dog was in season,and Jerry brought her upstairs where she immediately jumped on me excitedly licking and wanting to comfort me.Jerry took Sasha straight back down stairs,and the other dog returned.I was forced onto my hands and knees;the smell of Sasha caused a great deal of excitement in the male dog,and he did what came naturally to him.I screamed and tried to move,i tried so god damn hard to get him off me,all the while Uncle Jerry and his friends were laughing like it was the funniest thing they had ever seen.I became hysterical Jerry punched me in the ribs and the side of the head;throwing my head back as far as i could get it i made contact with the dogs head,this was a major mistake on my part.The dog launched itself on my head;its huge teeth sinking into my skull,shaking my head side to side."Get it off her get it off her now"Jerry shouted.The owner was calling the dog off but it took a few shouts before i felt his jaws releasing,this is when i kicked out as hard as i could and the dog fell from the bed with a yelp.The dog was taken away;while i lay there blood pumping from the bite sites,Jerry and his pal brought towels to try to stop the blood.While his pal applied pressure he brought some kind of disinfectant and a nail brush,and began to clean me up inside.The pain from the nail brush was nothing compared to the pain of the dog.
They couldn't get the bleeding to stop for more than a few minutes;i begged them to take me to hospital,promising i wouldn't say what had really happened.Uncle Jerry was taking no chances,but agreed i did need medical help.He went to the phone,coming back to say it was ok,his Dr friend was on his way,and until he arrived all they had to do was keep me still and keep up the pressure on the wounds.It is extremely hard to stay still when you are in absolute agonizing pain,yet every time i tried to move one of them would hit me.They at least had the decency to cover me with a blanket before the Dr arrived.When he did arrive he said the wounds needed stitching,but not to worry as he had come prepared.Searing pain tore through my skull again and again as the Dr stitched up my wounds,for gods sake,hadn't they heard of anesthetic!He said the stitches would have to stay in for a week,and that he would come back and remove them then.I was told to say thank you;i refused,but Jerry struck me with the back of his hand where the stitches were,and i realised it was easier to just say it.
Expecting the Dr to leave after i thanked him,i asked for the handcuffs to be removed,which Jerry duly did.Turning over to a sitting position i pulled the cover up under my chin;"come on now,no need to be shy with me is there"the Dr smirked as he pulled the cover from me.Undoing his trousers he climbed on top of me,i tried to hit him but Jerry and his friend both grabbed my hands.While the Dr was having sex with me,the other two placed my hands on their bits and made me pleasure them.I am thoroughly ashamed to admit that i didn't even try to pull away,i had no fight left in me !!!
My abusers were in my opinion very very sick individuals,who thought nothing of using many different tools and gadgets not to mention animals,to torture and terrorize me.As i mentioned in a previous post,they led me to believe i had broken an alsation's leg kicking out at it to stop it biting my head.They had brought this poor dog in purely to satisfy their sick perverted needs,they wasn't bothered about either mine or the dogs welfare,so long as they got satisfaction.My hands were cuffed to the bed,and dog meat strategically placed both on and inside my body; apparently this was so the dog would like me,and not see me as a threat.Once the dog had eaten he was taken outside,and my uncle and his friend then had sex with me.Sasha my dog was in season,and Jerry brought her upstairs where she immediately jumped on me excitedly licking and wanting to comfort me.Jerry took Sasha straight back down stairs,and the other dog returned.I was forced onto my hands and knees;the smell of Sasha caused a great deal of excitement in the male dog,and he did what came naturally to him.I screamed and tried to move,i tried so god damn hard to get him off me,all the while Uncle Jerry and his friends were laughing like it was the funniest thing they had ever seen.I became hysterical Jerry punched me in the ribs and the side of the head;throwing my head back as far as i could get it i made contact with the dogs head,this was a major mistake on my part.The dog launched itself on my head;its huge teeth sinking into my skull,shaking my head side to side."Get it off her get it off her now"Jerry shouted.The owner was calling the dog off but it took a few shouts before i felt his jaws releasing,this is when i kicked out as hard as i could and the dog fell from the bed with a yelp.The dog was taken away;while i lay there blood pumping from the bite sites,Jerry and his pal brought towels to try to stop the blood.While his pal applied pressure he brought some kind of disinfectant and a nail brush,and began to clean me up inside.The pain from the nail brush was nothing compared to the pain of the dog.
They couldn't get the bleeding to stop for more than a few minutes;i begged them to take me to hospital,promising i wouldn't say what had really happened.Uncle Jerry was taking no chances,but agreed i did need medical help.He went to the phone,coming back to say it was ok,his Dr friend was on his way,and until he arrived all they had to do was keep me still and keep up the pressure on the wounds.It is extremely hard to stay still when you are in absolute agonizing pain,yet every time i tried to move one of them would hit me.They at least had the decency to cover me with a blanket before the Dr arrived.When he did arrive he said the wounds needed stitching,but not to worry as he had come prepared.Searing pain tore through my skull again and again as the Dr stitched up my wounds,for gods sake,hadn't they heard of anesthetic!He said the stitches would have to stay in for a week,and that he would come back and remove them then.I was told to say thank you;i refused,but Jerry struck me with the back of his hand where the stitches were,and i realised it was easier to just say it.
Expecting the Dr to leave after i thanked him,i asked for the handcuffs to be removed,which Jerry duly did.Turning over to a sitting position i pulled the cover up under my chin;"come on now,no need to be shy with me is there"the Dr smirked as he pulled the cover from me.Undoing his trousers he climbed on top of me,i tried to hit him but Jerry and his friend both grabbed my hands.While the Dr was having sex with me,the other two placed my hands on their bits and made me pleasure them.I am thoroughly ashamed to admit that i didn't even try to pull away,i had no fight left in me !!!
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