Feelings are running around in my head,and i don't really know what to do with them,or how to handle them.I am feeling almost a little proud of myself at the moment,for the way I am handling things with my Uncle.Yet at the same time i am afraid,because i know i am only making things worse in the long run.
You see i am not answering the door when he or him and his pal comes,instead i am hiding upstairs,like a frightened child waiting for something terrible to happen.In the past i have always given in and opened the door eventually,just wanting to get whatever is going to happen out of the way.Now however i find i need to protect myself,where as before i was only interested in protecting my children.Why the big change? well maybe it's because i know my body can't take much more,or maybe it's because the J's lead me to believe i don't actually deserve this torture,and don't have to put up with it.Whatever the reason,it is driving Jerry mad and he is making no secret of the fact that he wants me dead.
A few years back,Uncle Jerry thought he had actually achieved killing me,and he left me for dead at the bottom of the stairs in my own house,for my poor children to find me.Lucky for me,i was only knocked out and had come round before my kids had woken up.Jerry had forced his way into my house as usual,and was knocking me about telling me how much i enjoyed the beatings,and how excited it made him.My phone(which i had left upstairs)started ringing;normally i wouldn't attempt to answer it when he was there,but for some unknown reason i tried to run up to get it.I don't know what i was thinking,nor what i was going to say if i had got to answer it,but it didn't matter because Jerry grabbed my legs and pulled me so far down the stairs.My face scraped on the carpet as it bounced off the steps"what fucking game do you think you are playing tonight?"Jerry snarled,i found myself automatically apologising for my actions.This infuriated him even more.Banging my head repeatedly on the stairs,he held one arm behind my back while putting his knee in the middle of my back with more than a little force.Whilst he was raping me he kept saying "try to get away,i dare you".My children were asleep just yards away,so i knew i had to stay absolutely silent,and just let him get on with it.He dragged me almost to the bottom of the stairs,before turning me over and laughing at the carpet burns on my face.Jerry then tried to part my legs again"please don't"i begged,"i have had enough,aren't you satisfied you can see how much you have hurt me"i whispered."I will fucking say when it's enough"he replied.I put my hand against my weeping face almost hoping he would just go,but i knew only too well from past experience he was too riled up to stop just yet.Grabbing my wrist he forced it back so hard and fast,you couldn't help but hear the crack,I let out a little cry and he started laughing."Please don't wake my kids" was all i could say.Jerry raped me again still holding my poor wrist tightly,so that every thrust caused it to throb more and more.Finally he stood up,pulling me up after him by the wrist he told me to say thank you."Not on your fucking life" i replied.Grabbing my hair he smashed my head against the radiator,once,twice,then blackness.
Struggling to open my eyes,it took me a few minutes to register where i was.Pulling myself to my feet i hobbled into the living room,squinting at the clock i realised i must have been unconscious for a good half an hour or so.The most frightening thing i could think of was what if one of my kids had found me,what if they thought i was dead,what would it have done to them.Tears ran down my face thinking of my poor children,upstairs totally oblivious to the terrible events that had just happened in their home.Making myself a cup of tea i caught sight of my reflection in the mirror,i recoiled in horror at what i saw.Don't get me wrong,i am no oil painting,but this was hideous.My eyes were swollen and already going a nice shade of purple,my forehead had a huge lump almost from one side to the other.My lip was swollen and split,my cheek was bruising,and my face all grazed from the carpet.What a sight i looked,not unlike something from star wars.My wrist was severely swollen and painful by now,so i wrapped it in ice then placed a cold compress on to relieve both the swelling and the pain.Next but most importantly i had to think what i could tell the kids and anyone else who might ask.Three cups of tea,and ten cigs later,i had my story straight in my head.I had fallen down stairs,and hit my head against the radiator,and landed on one of the toys at the bottom.Not every believed this story,my GP and the practice nurse both desperately wanted me to go to a+e,but i flatly refused.My kids accepted my version of events,and that was all that mattered to me.Uncle Jerry rang my phone,withholding his number of course.Hearing my voice he sounded relieved,"i thought i had finished you off"he mumbled" "sorry to disappoint you"i shot back.Apparently he wasn't disappointed,because he wasn't finished with me yet,and couldn't imagine his life without me in it.
Obviously now things must have changed,and Jerry and I can't agree because i think they have changed for the better,whilst my dear Uncle strongly believes things are going down hill.I try really hard to not even answer the phone to him now,and 99% of the time when i hear it's him i just cut him off without saying a word.Most of you probably think this is such an easy thing to do,but please believe me when i say i never thought i would be strong enough,or brave enough to do these things.I always believed i had no choice,and it was how my life was meant to be,but this is what Jerry and the rest of my abusive family wanted me to believe.It is only with the love and support of true friends,that i have just started to believe i have a chance to change things,and i intend to change them for the better for me.That 1% where i do let him talk,is a minor set back,and i can punish myself for it,or i can say"it was a blip,now get back up there and keep fighting",i choose the second one,and am assured by the J's that i am winning!!!