Today is a bad day,everything feels like it is too much to cope with.The mental torture is crushing me,everything is running round and round in my head and it feels like it is going to explode,exposing everything for all and sundry to see and scrutinize.The physical pain is dragging me down too.The pain from the operation site can be bad at times,but has been made worse recently after several knocks and bangs,not to mention the physical attacks from Uncle Jerry.I can't help but wonder why? Why did i have to be born into that family? Why did i keep my silence for so long,and why after fighting so hard to survive,do i wish i hadn't ??
Some people say life is what you make it,while some say things are sent to try us.Well i have tried to make something of my life,but it seems every time i start to get somewhere life turns round and smacks me in the face.Jerry is on a mission at the minute,he hates the fact i am getting on with life,no matter what he throws at me.He hates it that the J's haven't disowned me,no matter what i have disclosed to them.He hates it that i no longer hide myself away,frightened to leave the house for fear of another beating,or attack by someone Jerry has got on his side.Don't get me wrong;it's not easy,but i have to continue to fight for the sake of those who really matter.
My children know nothing of my abuse,and i would never ever want them to.Every time i have cuts or bruises from the latest attack,i think of an excuse.I have fallen,or walked into something.They have known this all there life,and often joke about how i could trip up over a matchstick.When they were younger Uncle Jerry would force his way into my house when the kids were in bed;not once did i make a noise and risk waking them up,no matter what he did to me.He raped and beat me often,but i could not risk my kids waking up and seeing that for fear of what it would do to them emotionally and mentally.
The J's are my rocks,but knowing how angry they get when Jerry is on one of his missions,worries me greatly.They hate it when he hurts me,it makes them angry and they want to stop him;and even though they promise me they won't do anything without my say so,i still get scared.Believe it or not things could get a lot worse for me,and i am lucky that the J's know this,and i believe this is the only reason they haven't taken matters in to their own hands.A part of me would love to bring Uncle Jerry and his cronies to justice;but this is never going to happen,i couldn't put my children through the torture they would have to endure(mentally it would destroy them).It would put every one involved in grave danger,and none of us need to be put in that position.I guess to a degree i am always in danger,but thats how my life has always been.The big difference now though,is that someone actually cares.Knowing that i have someone to turn to still feels kind of strange,yet very comforting.
My feelings seem to be changing minute by minute at the moment.I am flitting from Anger to Fear,from hope to desperation in the blink of an eye.One minute i feel like i am strong enough to carry on,the next i feel like that terrified little girl,desperate to be taken care of and held tightly in safety.Remembering the feelings of self hate and worthlessness,makes me feel so down that i struggle to want to live anymore.But i guess i am living these days;where as i spent so long merely existing,so that has to be a positive -doesn't it? I long for the day my Abusers finally die,i know this makes me a bad person,but i can't help the way i feel.Trying to imagine how i will feel when i hear the news is very hard,confusing even.It will be the best news ever,knowing he could never again hurt me,or make me feel like nothing.Living without the constant fear and continual harassment;will be very very strange,and in a way i think this in itself will be a little scary,as i haven't had a life without some sort of abuse.
My main struggle at the moment is staying strong,i feel like i am fighting every minute of every day,and never sure if i am going to win.When i am feeling reasonably ok,i am determined that i will be the winner.When i am going through melt down,i am not even sure if i want to,yet i know i don't have a choice.As i have said in a poem,i can't give in,can't let them win,and this is what i try to remember on bad days like today.