Well i posted the letter to Uncle Jerry,and to say he was angry is an understatement.He rang me hurling abuse,and had the cheek to call me vindictive.Nothing i put in the letter wasn't true,he didn't deny any of it except where i called him evil, apparently any one of his friends will say what a nice bloke he is.In my opinion nice blokes don't rape and torture children,or adults for that matter,nice blokes don't do everything they can to keep someone so down that they don't feel like living anymore.Maybe i have got it wrong,and nice blokes do all of the above.
I am determined that no matter what Jerry say's or threatens me with,or physically puts me through i am not going to let him knock me back down. Obviously there will be times when the abuse affects me and i get a little down,but i know i have to fight it if i want to win this war.Often when he talks about an event that happened,i end up straight back in that horrible place(inside my head),the pain feels as real as it was when it happened,the feelings of been dirty and worthless come flooding back,just like the guilt.These are the times that are hardest to cope with.I believe 99% of the time i was not to blame,yet at times he can still make me feel that it was all my own fault,that something i said or did made them treat me so appallingly.
One of the things Uncle Jerry gets pleasure from talking about is how many men i had "slept" with by the time i was sixteen.All of which were involved by him,and they most certainly wasn't sleeping!Take the card night for instance,i was the payment at the end of the evening for the winner.This was the norm most weeks,and went on for months and months,until one evening things took a terrible turn.I had served them drinks all evening,and as usual they were free to do whatever they wanted to me,apart from intercourse.Jerry told me i could have five minutes for a cig and a drink,seen as i had worked hard,i took them up to my room away from the dirty smelly perverted men sat in my living room.
The youngest of the gang came upstairs,he told me to get out as soon as i got a chance,just go he said,and get as far away as possible,then he kissed me gently on the lips.Jerry was at the bedroom door saying"I see you have started with out us".They were all there now,five or six of them plus Uncle Jerry.I was forced down on the bed,and they each took their turn at raping me.I tried to fight back,but i just wasn't strong enough,they were grown men and i was still a child.Every time i tried to get away i was punched,kicked,bitten and beaten to the point of been almost unconscious.The more they did,the more excited they got!At one point they were all at me in one way or another,arguing over who should be the first to rape me Anally.Jerry told them to calm down,obviously he was going first,but they would all get their turn.As son as Jerry was done,they all changed round and did what they could with which ever part of my body they now had access to.It went on for hours,and by the time they had finished i was bleeding from every where possible.There wasn't a part of my body that hadn't been entered,nor an inch that wasn't battered and bruised,i lay there unable to to find a position that wasn't excruciating,sobbing quietly to myself,i knew there was nothing going to change,and they were never going to leave me alone now Jerry had let them go so far.My mind was made up,this is it,this is the time to die.