I waited until i could hear Uncle Jerry snoring on the sofa,then i crept downstairs and went straight to where i knew the pain killers were kept.Grabbing all i could find and the rest of the whiskey,i returned to my room.Lighting a cig first,i emptied the pills out and took the lid off the bottle.A drag of the cig,a handfull of pills,and a huge swig of whiskey.Slowely the pain started to ease,i was a little scared at what i was doing,but i knew i had no other choice.A strange feeling came over me,i wasn't sure what it was at first but then i realised - it was utter calmness.Everything kept going black,but i wasn't scared this is what i wanted,then peace and total darkness.
Someone was slapping me across the face,i was been held up and dragged around.Something disgusting been poured down my throat- greasy,oily,vile.As fast as it went down,it came back up.Keep her walking i heard my mother yelling at Jerry,we have to keep her awake.Another slap,another mouthful of olive oil,all the while i could hear mother rambling on about what they would have told my dad,if she hadn't found me."Just leave me alone" i cried,"let me die"!The Dragon was furious now,screaching at me what a selfish little bastard i really was,there was my dad who worked his arse off to put a roof over my head,and to pay for our annual holiday,and here i am wanting to throw it all back in his face."You don't care about anyone but yourself,what would it do to your poor father if he knew you didn't give a fiddlers fuck about him"
They carried on walking me round and round,and making me vommit most of the night,and once they were sure i was definately going to survive Mother gave me a good beating and threw me on to the bed,where i stayed without any hesitation.Desperation had dragged me to suicide,but they were right,i was fucking useless and stupid,i couldn't even kill myself without making a pigs ear of it.I had never felt so sad or lonely as i did there and then,and i knew for certain i had only made things much worse for myself now,now the beatings would come thick and fast,and god knows what else,but i knew deep down this was my fault for not thinking things through,and not trying to take my life where no one would find me.So in the words of my mother and uncle,it was gods pay back.