The shame of knowing someone has read the posts,feels almost as bad as the incident itself.The anger expressed wasn't directed at me,but at Jerry,yet i still felt the shame and the fear.I worry my actions or writing will still push the J's away,they tell me constantly nothing i have been through will make them feel less towards me,and i know every time i get down i am allowing the abusers power to take over and i know i have to keep hold of the strength i have - somehow.
After the incident with the kitten,this became one of Jerry's favorite pass times.Sometimes when i was extremely hungry and begged for food,Uncle Jerry would smear a slice of stale bread with excrement and force it into my mouth.If i hadn't eaten more than a couple of mouldy carrots for a few days,i would try to get the bread down so fast i would nearly choke myself,but that way i couldn't taste what was in it.Disgusting and vile yes!Before you judge me,think for a minute-have you ever been so hungry that every inch of your body aches,your head spins with every movement,and you are struggling to even make a little saliva to keep you going ? No then i am happy for you,but if god forbid you ever found yourself in my position with sadistic people watching your every move i think maybe you too would be almost grateful to receive the above.Why didn't anyone notice the sunken eyes and the struggle to cope day to day?They did,but if anyone made a comment they were told very quickly i was a fussy eater,and i wouldn't go to sleep at a decent time.I guess to some extent the latter was true,yet it was pure fear and often shear pain that stopped me sleeping.To this day i have trouble sleeping,and issues with food,yet with the love and support i receive from the J's,these are battles i am slowly winning,and maybe thats what i need to focus on when things are bad-the fact that with a lot of support i am winning at least a little,despite the constant harassment and violent outbreak's from my loving family.