I am struggling with everything at the minute,i know that i am withdrawing into myself again but i can't seem to stop it happening.While the J's were away on vacation,i realised just how much i do lean on them.They are the ones i turn to every time,it's them i have dumped so much of my shite on,and i think this realisation has kind of scared me a little.I have always managed(admittedly not always very well)with things on my own,and i feel maybe i have let myself get too dependent on the J's.So i came to the conclusion i should step back a little,i don't know if it's a little self preservation,or the deep seated fear of rejection eventually.Don't get me wrong i know they love me,but i am Only too aware of how quickly things can change.I love the J's and their family from the bottom of my heart,but past experience tells me everything i love leaves eventually, destroying another piece of me,or gets taken away in the end.Part of me feels this is also my way of protecting the J's the best i can too,i seem to drag people down and somehow jinx their happiness and i can't bare to think of this happening to such wonderful amazing people as them.
Events of the last few weeks have really taken their toll on me,i hardly sleep,and can barely eat,surviving mainly on hot drinks and the odd slice of toast or a sandwich.This isn't helping my many medical conditions i know,but every time i try to eat i feel so sick it just doesn't feel worth the trouble.I have been like this before,and know it will improve eventually,so until then i will struggle on day to day.I can't put into words what is wrong,i can't explain what is going on in my head.The sensible part of me knows that i shouldn't keep things locked inside,but the other part of me won't allow me to disclose the torment going on in my head.It is a constant struggle at the minute to try and get things straight in my own mind,and to get my head around recent problems.
Since my operation every one keeps saying how well i have adapted,and how well i am coping,but the truth is a little different.The anger and frustration i feel deep inside is bubbling away,I know i am lucky to be here,and realise things could have been worse.I still get severe pain at the operation site,and no amount of pain killers seem to make a difference.On the plus side it isn't constant like before the op,so no matter how bad it gets i know in my heart it will fade away after a few hours.Sometimes i just want to scream at people,it is so hard to just do every day things,washing ,dressing,even doing the simplest of household chores can have me at breaking point some days.Self pity isn't going to help me overcome my disability,so i won't allow myself to cry over it,i just have to get on with it and learn to live with it.There are millions of people out there who are in a much worse state than me,so for that i should be grateful.