We moved house just as i started junior school,new house new start well thats what my dad told us anyway.We were warned from the begining the man next door to us was a bit of an ogre,he didn't like children,he didn't like noise,and he didn't like anyone who argued back with him.Dad told me there was nothing to be afraid of,and to go play in the garden.Sasha and i were playing tug of war with her lead,when the man next door shouted at us to be quiet,i went in and told my dad,who immediately told me to go back out and if he said it again,i was to tell him to mind his own fecking business.We went back to playing when the nosey neighbour told us to be quiet,"mind your own fucking business"i shouted rather loudly.Dad appeared at the back door,"jesus what are you doin shouting and swearing like that"you told me to i replied,dad just burst out laughing,and so did i.Not quiet sure what was the funniest,what i did,or the fact my dad told me to do it.Feck off became my favourite saying after that day,but i was always careful as to where i would say it.A boy who lived down the street from our new house,would call me names every time he walked passed,i asked my dad what i should do,his response "tell him to feck off,and if that doesn't work punch him on the nose".The next time he walked passed he started to say something,but i told him to feck off and punched him in the face,he ran off crying and i laughed so hard i nearly wet my self.His sister came storming up the street saying she was going to rip my head off,i stood there smiling at her,she slapped my face,i laughed at her,she did it a second time i laughed at her,she went to do it a third time,and something inside me snapped,I grabbed her wrist and said try that again n i will smash your fucking face in.It worked,she stood there gobsmacked,she was a good foot taller than me,and at least four years older,but she wasn't prepared to take me on.My confidence began to grow whenever i was outside,i wouldn't hide every time someone looked at me,and i began to argue back with anyone who had a go.I foolishly thought every thing was going to be different,no more abuse in any shape or form.All i ever wanted was for my mum to love me,and uncle jerry to leave me alone,but we don't always get whay we want do we ? So i guess they were right about one thing - i was bloody stupid - to think life would change.
My first teacher at junior school was a lovely lady,and for that first year she made my life so much more bearable.When i had trouble concentrating mrs taylor would spend extra time with me,so that i wouldn't fall behind.Some mornings i was so tired,from the lack of sleep,i would fall asleep sat at the desk.Mrs taylor would gently wake me give me a pillow and send me to the book corner,where i would sleep like a baby.On bad days when i was batterd and bruised mrs taylor would gently put her arms round me and ask if i would help her at playtime,i was always very glad of this little time together.We would sit,often in silence,mrs t with her arm round me,while i snuggled in and basqued in the warmth and kindness of a loving adult.Mrs t never really questioned me,but she would say things like "if you were my little girl you wouldn't suffer like you do"and i would whisper i know.I would often imagine what life would be like with mrs t as my mum,we would snuggle up on the settee before bed,and she would read me a story,then she would tuck me into bed kiss my forehead and tell me how much she loved me.There would be no beatings,no punishment cupboards,and no uncle jerry -life would be fantastic.Back in the real world mrs t said we all had to write a letter to santa,saying what we would like and why,and wether we thought we had been good.I wrote santa,i no i aint meant to ask for things,but please can i have a new mummy,just like mrs taylor.My mummy dont love me or care about me,but mrs taylor is always nice and she hugs me.I know i have been real bad again,but i dont know why i do.if you know god will you tell him im sorry and i dont want to be evil no more.The next day mrs t asked me what i asked santa for,shaking my head i said it dont matter,cos he only reads the good kids letters,and i sat down in the book corner(my own little piece of heaven),and a tear slid down my cheek.Parents evening arrived and mother said she had better go with it been the first one at the big school,i wasn't worried i knew i had been good for mrs t,so i was shocked when mother came home spitting fire.That interfeering old bitch tried to tell me how to look after my own fucking kid,well i told her what a little bastard you are at home,and your just an attention seeker,and when you go in tomorrow you will tell her the same thing.DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR she screamed in my face.I nodded.WELL,yes mum i replied meekly.Her hands gripped my throat as she said god help me i dont know what i did to get such a selfish ugly little fucker like you,it would have been better if you had died at birth.Tears stung my eyes as i thought for once i agread with her,she noticed and slapped me across the face,how dare you cry,you self pitying little waste of space.I tried to say sorry but the words wouldnt come,she pushed me across the kitchen ,my head hitting the corner of the broom cupboard.Blood trickled down my face as her foot made contact with my back,i fell to the floor,she yanked me up by the hair and told me to go to bed as she didnt want to look at my ugly mug for a minute longer.The next day i tried not to look at mrs taylor,sure she had believed mothers lies and she too would hate me now.Playtime came and as i was about to leave the room,mrs t called me to her,she pointed to the safe corner and i sat.Mrs t left the room for a minute,and returned with a drink and some crisps,she handed me them,and sat down without saying a word.I quickly polished them off.mrs t slipped her arm around me and said i am really sorry if i got you into trouble,that wasn't my intention.I just wanted your mum to know you felt a little left out,and i thought maybe if i told her things would be better for you at home.I didnt answer but i could feel her staring at me,i looked at her and she had tears in her eyes,did she do this she asked gently touching the graze on my forehead.I fell into the wall i whispered,and the wall has fingers she asked pointing to the bruising on my neck,i did that in temper i replied.There was a strange quietness between us as mrs t held me so tight and so safe until the bell jolted us back to teacher pupil.I loved mrs taylor so much,i lived for playtimes when it was just the two of us,when she would hold me and comfort me and tell me it would be ok.Life at home carried on as usual,i was used as a punchbag on a daily basis,and my uncle continued to have sex with me regularly.There were two walk in cupboards in the new house.The bathroom one became the new punishment cupboard,it was still very dark in there,and it smelled musty,it was very narrow yet quiet long,so at least i could walk about. Jane one of the girls i met on my first day at school,and i were still really good friends,she would tell me everything about her life,and her family,yet i lied to her constantly about mine,and my injuries.My whole existance was a lie,from getting up to going to bed,Janes life was so different to mine,it was like we lived in two completely different worlds.I was now at an age where i was embarrassed by my handed down clothes,and my old fashioned shoes,yet jane had all the new clothes,new shoes,and the best toys,the sort of things i would have died for.I wasn't jealeous though,well at least not of the material things,she would often let me wear her clothes and shoes.I would go to janes house before school,and change into some of her clothes and shoes,then change back before going home.What did make me envious was the way both her parents loved her,kissed her,cuddled her,and sometimes even played with her.I found it very strange,but it always made me feel good just been around them.Sometimes i would almost forget how bad things were at home,i would pretend this was my life,my family,and it was so full of fun and love.One day after school,jane and i were helping her dad to build a wall,we were having a great time cement ended up everywhere.Janes poor dad,he was covered almost head to toe,we laughed so hard we almost cried.Her dad said we were like laurel and hardy,slapstick all the way,that made us laugh even more,and we totally lost track of time.Mother rang to say i was late home,i started to panick and ran home as fast as my little legs could carry me.I was so cross with myself because i always made sure i was home in time to get the housework done,and have a meal in the oven before they all got home.I walked into the kitchen and started to prepare the tea.Mother yelled at me not to fucking bother as i was no good at anything,she started hitting me again and again,all because i was out having fun instead of slaving away like cinderella.My arm really hurt,i wanted to cry,but i knew better,i told her i couldnt move it ,and she called me a liar.The bloody dragon said i was using it as an excuse to get out of the housework,she threw the hoover at me hitting my arm.I screamed out,and she pushed me out of the door sending me to my room,saying how she didn't need to hear my whining,or look at my miserable ugly mug.The following morning my half sister(who was seventeen years older than me)called round,she took one look at my arm and said c'mon lets get that looked at.At the hospital i was taken down for an xray,where they discovered i had fractured it.A really nice nurse put my arm in a plaster cast,she asked how it happened,i stuck to what i had been told to say.The nurse looked at me,and asked if everything was ok at home;i nodded she asked if i was sure ,i said i had fallen off the wall and that was that.Laurel and hardy eat your heart out,when i got back to school the next day,jane had her arm in a bandage,she had fallen off her bike,we burst out laughing and mrs taylor asked if we did everything together.Mrs t called me into her classroom,she said she just wanted to check i was ok,and she misses our times now i had gone up a class.I often went back to mrs taylor,sometimes just for a chat,other times i would go for comfort and she was always there arms open.Once when i was off school for a while,mrs t asked jane what things were like for me at home.Jane told her my mother was a dragon and i was like cinderella,i had to do the housework,the cooking and wasn't allowed to have fun.When i got back to school,mrs t was waiting,she said she needed a serious talk with me.I felt scared,she was looking right into my eyes as we sat down.Mrs t told me her brother was a policeman,and she had told him she was concerned about my safety,but he couldnt do anything unless i was prepared to tell him everything(If i did,could i live with you)i asked her.Mrs taylor smiled and said no,but i wish you could,(i promise i will be good,i will keep the house tidy for you,and i can cook)i whispered.She shook her head then said but they would take you somewhere safe.I stood up shaking my head,everythings fine and i dont need to talk to your stupid brother,i said as i fled the room in tears.She was supposed to care about me,yet she wanted them to put me in the marmalade home.My heart ached i had been betrayed by the two people i trusted the most,mrs t and jane.Jane couldn't understand what she had done wrong,i tried to tell her,but the words wouldn't come,we will be ok she said we will always have each other.I knew she was only doing what she thought was right,she knew i trusted mrs t and thought it was ok,she thought she knew.