Today's blog is slightly different,as i have decided to tell you how writing these blogs have affected me.Firstly i have to say a big thank you to the two j's,who have been there every step of the way for me,and assure me they always will.I'm not the sort of peron who finds it easy to trust people,nor do i find it easy to believe people when they say they care about me,but j has been ready with the right words,and much needed hugs through out my writing,and i can say hand on heart i know they care and are my back bone.
Telling my story so far has been both extremely painful,yet very satisfying.Those of you who don't know me personally may be shocked to find out both my mother and uncle are very much still around,and have controlled me by fear and violence pretty much all my life.I have never been strong enough to totally stand up to them,i have taken some pretty bad beatings over the years,and now finally i have found a way to gain back the control they had over me,and by god is it driving them mad.I now have a safe place where i can go anytime i want or need to,i no longer sit at home waiting for the next attack.My uncle is finding the new me very very disrespectful,and although he assures me every thing they ever did was for my own good,i now realise this was how they kept me down for so long.Some of the things i have written about have never been told before,so its like i am breaking the silence and the secrecy for the first time in 40 years,and by christ does it feel good.
After writing the last detailed blog,and realising how open and honest i had been,i was filled with fear and dread at what people would think of me.Although reassured by those who really matter,i couldn't shift the feelings of embarassment and shame that have always eaten away at me.The power of those feelings were so immense i found myself buying razor blades(which i haven't done for a while now)i sat on the bed blade in hand legs bare.I placed the blade on my skin,but as i went to cut something inside me made me stop.This was giving in,this would be letting them win all over again,i couldn't do it.I have worked too hard to get to this point in my life to fall back into the old pattern of self harm(no matter how satisfying it is at the time).Pulling my knees up under my chin i sat rocking and shaking,not sure what to do,to tell you the truth at that particular moment i was concerned about my mental state.I needed someone to hold me,to tell me i would be ok,i thought about ringing j,but i knew if i did i would break down altogether and be a blubbering wreck.Running a bath seemed to be the safest option,filling the bath with red hot water and a bit of bleach i climbed in.Yes it burns,but the physical pain helps ease the mental torture,and so i calmed down.Today i told j,she assured me it was all good,and means i am actually allowing myself to feel,instead of pushing it away as i have for so many years.Now i feel maybe i should try and find a way to let the tears out,maybe i wont drown in them,and yes i may have a lot of crying to do,but it will stop eventually.
Reading this i don't know what people will think of me,but maybe i shouldn't worry about it either.I have survived some pretty rough stuff in my life,and some horrendous people,but this is my time now.I am going to get through this,i am not going to let them win,i deserve a life without fear or pain,and with the support and love of those closest to me i know i will get there one day!!