On one of the many occasions my uncle was raping me,my mother came home early.She walked into the bedroom,and actually caught him having sex with me,her six year old daughter.The relief i felt was immense,he would have to leave me alone now,she would make him stop.She would have to-wouldn't she??Mother looked really cross and as her mouth opened,i prepared myself for the shouting and the screaming.It was already playing out in my head,she would tell him to leave to never return,she would hold me tight and promise me he would never hurt me again.NO NO this wasn't right,she wasn't shouting or screaming.She was telling him she was going to put the kettle on,so he had better hurry up.When uncle Jerry went downstairs i waited for the shouting,waited for the arguments to start,but it didn't happen.Mother never spoke about what she saw,and i knew only too well to keep my mouth shut.The following weeek when Jerry sat for us,he never touched me,apart from slapping me for not closing the serving hatch properly.He sent me to bed,and that was the end of it.You would have thought i would have been happy,and gone to sleep feeling relaxed.But the truth is the unfamiliarness of it just made me more afraid.I lay in bed waiting for him to come in,dreading what might happen.I was woken by my mother screaming at him,if he ever tried to touch her daughter again she would fucking kill him.Relief washed over me and i smiled to myself,my mummy had finally come through for me."You can do what you want with that little cunt next door"i knew she was reffering to me-how ?Because that and little bastard are what i answered to most.From a very early age,i would have to stop and think if anyone asked me my name,because it wasn't very often anyone at home used it.I now knew for a fact that what he was doing to me wasn't normal,and it didn't happen to every little girl.This just reinforced what they had said to me on so many occasions.I deserved what i got,i was evil and they had to knock the devil out of me.I was a filthy dirty little bastard who was just plain bad.These words were enough to stop me from telling anyone what was happening.You see i believed them;i thought it was all my own fault,i had asked for it,and somehow i deserved to be treated this way. I guess in a way i had resigned myself to the fact that no matter what the dragons fire would always be directed at me,so i started to take little chances.I would climb out of the bedroom window in the night,when every one was asleep.I would go for a walk,or go steel apples from neighbouring gardens,or pinch the milk as the milkman drove away.Then i would hide behind the coal bunker until someone let sasha out for a wee,then sneek back inside and back to my room.Mother once left a cig burning in the ash tray while she went to put the kettle on.The temptation was too much for me,i couldn't resist taking a drag.i started coughing yet i kind of liked the taste.With my encouragement Debbie took a drag too,and got caught as mother walked back into the room.I was sure she was going to get a beating,but strangely enough i didn't want the dragon to hit her,but i did want her to get locked in the punishment cupboard.Then when she knew what it was really like in there,how dark it was,how cold and lonely it made you feel,maybe just maybe she would try to stop mother putting me in so often.Mother took the cig from Debbie,telling her it was very naughty and she must never do it again,she didn't want to become bad like me did she ?Debbie shook her head and said she was sorry,the dragon kissed the top of her head and said lesson learned i think.I have to admit i was more than a little dissapointed.So began another downward spiral,i started taking leftovers from the ashtray every day,eventually moving on to stealing cigarretes from both my mothers and uncles packets,and no one seemed to notice.Debbie and i reached an understanding,we made a pact that we would never tell on each other no matter what,and instead of me having to wait outside the junior school for debbie,i could go off on my own so long as i kept her room tidy,This suited us both;as i hated having to wait for her,almost as much as my sister and her friends hated having me around.Walking home one day i got the shock of my life,as i rounded the final corner the dragon was waiting with a clip round the ear.Once home she said she would see what a smoker i really was.Mother gave me a cigar and told me i had to smoke it all.I started coughing and choking and feeling sick,but i had a strong sort of determination to finish it.Mother said you will never want to smoke again you clever little cunt.When aunt annie arrived,mother couldn't stop herself from telling her the whole story,and aunt annie found the whole situation hilarious.