Today is another bad day,i don't know why i beat myself up about it - everyone has them.The flashbacks cut like a knife,sometimes i wonder if telling my story is the right thing to do,because some days it hurts so much,almost as much as it did at the time of the actual events.Maybe once my main abusers have left this earth i will be able to totaly heal, - certainly hope so.
Monday night uncle Jerry came to my house,like a fool i opened the door.He was verbally and physically abusive,and despite the fact that he is now in his seventies and in remission from cancer,he still tried to sexualy assault me.I fought back verbally very easily,it's protecting myself physically that i struggle with.It's like the little girl takes over,i should have rang the j's but for whatever reason i didn;t feel i could.Once he had left i fell straight back into the old ways,hot bleach bath,followed by a little self harm.The following day i was furious with myself for letting him win again,but hey i'm still here,and so i guess i am still fighting,and that means they haven't won yet!!
I am struggling a little with my thoughts and feelings at the minute,i want to believe that i am not a bad person,and that i am worthy of having people care about me,but its like the voices of my uncle and the dragon over power me at times.They tell me i am useless,i'm worthless,i am no good at anything.They tell me i deserved all i got,and that i still deserve to be treated appaulingly.The battle between their voices and that of those who care about me goes on and on,my head hurts and i don't know who to believe from one minute to the next.Just as i am caving in i hear it,"you are no longer alone,we are here for you always".The J's come to my rescue once again!!
The strength those words give me is incredible,i am so much better than the low life's who abused me,and therefore i will continue to fight,and i am going to win one day.I am a survivor,i have and i will survive anything thay try to do to me.The J's believe in me,and i believe in them,so surely that means i have to believe in myself too.I am who i am,both good and bad,not often happy,but now not always sad.