first day at school

My first day of school arrived,i was a little scared but a little excited,and i wondered what the day would bring.I felt so grown up in my grey skirt and white blouse.I didn't care that they were a bit big,or that they were my sisters hand me downs,i couldn't have been more proud.My dad had bought me some new shoes,i was so proud of them,i think i must have wiped them every five minutes before we set off.I remember washing the breakfast dishes,i was rushing,or maybe i just wasn't paying attention,but i broke a bowl.I stood shaking on the chair as mother hurled abuse at me,silly stupid thick little bastard,these words were as common as please and thank you to me.I waited for the smack,but it never came.My dad was standing at the kitchen door,telling mother to shut up and leave me alone.He told her it was an accident,i was excited thats all,didn't want to be late on my first day.Dad lifted me down saying not to worry,jesus it was only a fecking bowl,he gave me one of his grins and said he would take me to school himself before he went off to work.I felt really really special as we walked into the school playgroud,all the other kids just had their mums,not me though i had my dad holding my hand.When it was time for us to go in,my dad rubbed the top of my head and said right be good and i will see you friday.As my dad walked away i started to cry,if he was away all week,that could mean only one thing-uncle Jerry would be round for sure.
I found my first day at school very different to what i was used to,strange even in a nice sort of way.My teacher was really nice,i liked her alot,and she didn't shout once all day.Much to my suprise i even made a couple of friends,who actually seemed to like me.They called me by my name,not stupid or fat,not even ugly,just by my name.I got to play with a real doll in the wendy house and had a bottle of milk.This had to be the happiest day of my life,and nothing could take this away from me.Not even the physical or mental abuse i knew i would receive when i got home.I was bursting to tell my mother and sister i had made friends,and like every other kid that day i blurted it out as soon as we got out of the door.My sister said good,mother followed it with not for long once they get to know you.They didn't dampen my spirits,not even when mother got ready to go out,not even when uncle jerry arrived.I got washed and ready for bed feeling six feet tall,and for the first time as long as i could remember,i went off to sleep feeling very very happy with my little self.
I woke with a start,i could feel his breath-the smell of stale tobacco in my face ,His big sweaty hands pawing at me,pushing my nightgown up. I pretended to be asleep,thinking he would just go and leave me alone,He climbed ontop of me,started pulling my legs apart,i tried to pull them closed,but he was too strong for me.I tried to push him off me,but he was just too big.I pushed and pushed,i tried so bloody hard to stop him,but i just couldn't do it.The most horrendous excruciating pain exploded between my legs,and tore through my tiny body.The pain was like nothing i had ever experienced before.The best way i can describe it would be imagine someone taking a red hot poker as wide as it is long,and forcing it inside you,while lead weights press down on your legs.Then riving it about ,ripping at every bit of you inside there,and your almost there.I was screaming in pain,he covered my mouth with his huge hand.I bit down as hard as i could,he punched me in the face,splitting my mouth open and i could taste the blood.I cried i pleaded and i begged him to stop,to leave me alone,to stop it hurting.But he can't have heard me, because he carried on regardless.I just lay there sobbing,my tiny body wracked with pain,shaking with every thrust,i could feel the blood running down my legs,all warm and sticky,I don't know how long it went on for,but it felt like a lifetime He let out a loud groan,forced himself inside me once more and stood up.He said something about it not been bad for a first time,and how it would get better.I lay there shaking and crying,sobbing for my daddy,I desperately wanted him to hold me,to take the pain away,to tell me everything would be alright,But my dad wasn't there!The pain was unbearable and i could hardly move,i just lay there sobbing into the pillow,biting down so he wouldn't hear i was still crying,because i couldn't risk him coming back in.Eventually i staggered into the bathroom,filled the bath and climbed in.The water was stone cold,but i didn't care,the blood just wouldn't stop.I scrubbed as hard as i could,but i couldn't get rid of the blood or the smell of him.Jerry came into the bathroom,he said there was a clean sheet on my bed,and i should stop fucking about and get the bloody sheet put in the ash tin.I returned to my bed,but the sleep just wouldn't come,my poor body was wracked with pain and i feared that he might return.Every time i tried to turn over,a new wave of pain struck me,and sleep eventually took over at some point.