Family has never meant a great deal to me,apart from my children.I often viewed other people in their happy loving families,and felt sad and alone and always on the outside.Never really understanding why family could mean so much to some people,yet practically nothing to people like me.Don't get me wrong,i have brought my children up to believe that immediate family is important and you should always try to be there for them,but only if they would do the same for you.
In the past i have always gone running whenever my Mother or Sister have needed something,i guess you could say they would say "jump"and i would ask "how high". I never really thought about it,yet now i realise i believed that was just the way it always had been so there for was normal to me.Niether my Mother or Sister have ever really been there for me unless there was some one there to put on a show for,so i think i must have been desperate for some sort of recognition or acceptance as part of the family.
Things have certainly changed over the last 6months or so,i have finally faced up to the fact that i will never be good enough for them,or never be accepted as anything other than a slave or a puch bag(either verbally or physically)and I deserve better than that.On the other hand i have learnt what been part of a loving caring family feels like.The J's and their family treat me with respect,they show me so much warmth and love,and i know they care about me as much as i do them.They have welcomed me into their family with open arms,and i cant explain how wonderful it is to feel like you actually finally belong.
All has been quiet on the Uncle Jerry front,i don't know if it is because he is desperately ill,or if he is just lulling me into a false sense of security so untill i learn that he has passed away,i won't be letting my guard down.It can be really hard work always looking over your shoulder,not been able to leave your doors unlocked just incase he decides it's time for another beating.Trying not to show fear if a stranger aproaches you,just incase it is one of his hench men waiting to stick the boot in,been on your guard all the time is both physically and mentally exhausting,but i have to believe that the end is near and one day i will be able to live as normal life as the next person.