Hi well it has been a while,but i am back again.I haven't been up to writing either physically or mentally,but i feel now is the time to push myself back into my blogging.
The last few months have been like a roller coaster for me,more ups and downs than i have been comfortable with,yet as always the J's have been there keeping my head above water,refusing to let me drown.I have had nothing but trouble and upset from those who are meant to be my nearest and dearest(family),the abusers are still my tormentors,purely for the satisfaction of keeping me down in a place they are comfortable with,a place i can not seem to escape from no matter how hard i try!A place that drags me to the pits of despair,and pulls me back to that frightened little girl,feeling desperately alone unloved and unwanted with only my nightmares and constant fear feeling real.
When i can manage to be rational i know that i am not alone anymore,i know the J's are always there for me,as i would be for them.They look after me in ways i could never have even dared to dream about as a child,they take me as i am,good and bad,happy or sad.I feel free to feel whatever is there at the time without fear of judgement or punishment,but most of all i feel loved!Pathetic childish even,maybe but it has taken 40years for me to get to this point in my life,and its a feeling i want to hold on to and never let go.I never understood the meaning or the power a hug contained,yet that one action can make you feel so safe and loved its unbelievable.I have always hugged my children,and only now can i understand the warmth and security it must have given them.Glad as i am that i gave my children my all,it is only now,that i realise how much i was deprived of,and i often feel overwhelmed at how much this actually hurts,even after all these years!!
All i can say is make sure those you love know how you feel,and dont be afraid to say i need a hug(i'm working on this one)Friends are often the family we choose for ourselves,and i no longer feel guilty for feeing more for them than ever for blood.