I have been having flashbacks and nightmares galore just lately,but i guess that's hardley suprising with everything that,s been going on really.When i wake up;i am still that terrified little girl,desperate for someone to hold me,to love me,to make me feel safe.The place i am at in my head when i wake,is the same place i was in in the nightmare,and believe me its a truly horrible place to be.
If my dad was at home when i woke up crying or screaming as a child;he would come into my room and say"Jesus are you trying to wake the whole fecking street with your noise?Now calm yourself and go back to sleep child."I would say sorry and bury my face in the pillow,its funny but that was probably the safest i was made to feel.If my dad wasn't there,then the dragon would come in yelling at me to shut the fuck up!Saying"No one gives a damn what your moaning and whining about,do you think anybody wants to hear your pathetic noise,when we are trying to sleep".Sometimes she would smack me about the head,in order to give me something to moan about.Other times she would drag me from my bed by the hair,telling me to sleep on the floor like the wounded animal i sounded like.If uncle Jerry was there,he would use it as just another excuse to abuse me.He would say i was begging for attention,and that i asked for it.
Maybe this is the reason i am scared of it happening when i stay at the J's.Dont get me wrong;i know they are behind me all the way,and i know deep down they would never hurt me.Yet i am still terrified of waking them up,and making them angry with me.The times i have woken myself up crying or shouting,while at their house,i have bitten down hard on either the pillow or my own arm,in order to quieten myself.Once when i felt too scared to be alone i curled up at the top of the stairs,near enought to not feel completely alone,yet not near enough to wake them.pathetic behaviour for a grown woman -i know,and when i calm down and get back to the here and now i feel both totally embarrassed,and utterly ashamed.It's like i have no control over that terrified little girl,and i just have to wait until she is ready to go back into her box,inside my head.There are times when i wish i could nail that bloody box shut,so she can never come back.
I have such mixed feelings for that frightened little girl.Sometimes i see how much she is hurting;and i want to hold her tight in my arms,i want her to feel loved and wanted,and i want to keep her safe,protect her from further harm.Other times i am so angry with her,i almost wish she were dead!Surely then my torment inside would have to stop.