My eyes start to close as my breathing slows
darkness taking over sleep is calling to me
peace and tranquility are mine at last
The silence breaks as the demons return
taking over my sleep my mind my life
I am back in time to a terrible place
watching from above totally powerless
try as i might i can't reach the little girl
her eyes wide pleading begging for it to end
her abusers carry on ignoring her pleas
their satisfaction their only concern
I shout and i scream at them to stop
to leave her alone put an end to her pain
I can't make them hear me I can't make them stop
whatever i do she is always just out of reach
this poor little girl so damaged so small
finished and satisfied they get up and leave
her hours of torture over - at least for now
she lays there shaking silently sobbing into a pillow
blood trickling like a slow running tap
her face twisted from excrutiating pain
I want to hold her comfort her take her away
to a place they won't find her keep her safe
I still can't reach her as she turns to me
in almost a whisper between tiny sobs
why she asks why didn't you stop them
why did you let them rape and beat me over and over
you could have helped me you should have saved me
tears stream down my face and all i can say is SORRY
sorry i didn't save you so sorry you are me
sobbing i return to the here and now sleep is lost
peace won't return this evening if it returns at all

I am struggling with everything at the minute,i know that i am withdrawing into myself again but i can't seem to stop it happening.While the J's were away on vacation,i realised just how much i do lean on them.They are the ones i turn to every time,it's them i have dumped so much of my shite on,and i think this realisation has kind of scared me a little.I have always managed(admittedly not always very well)with things on my own,and i feel maybe i have let myself get too dependent on the J's.So i came to the conclusion i should step back a little,i don't know if it's a little self preservation,or the deep seated fear of rejection eventually.Don't get me wrong i know they love me,but i am Only too aware of how quickly things can change.I love the J's and their family from the bottom of my heart,but past experience tells me everything i love leaves eventually, destroying another piece of me,or gets taken away in the end.Part of me feels this is also my way of protecting the J's the best i can too,i seem to drag people down and somehow jinx their happiness and i can't bare to think of this happening to such wonderful amazing people as them.
Events of the last few weeks have really taken their toll on me,i hardly sleep,and can barely eat,surviving mainly on hot drinks and the odd slice of toast or a sandwich.This isn't helping my many medical conditions i know,but every time i try to eat i feel so sick it just doesn't feel worth the trouble.I have been like this before,and know it will improve eventually,so until then i will struggle on day to day.I can't put into words what is wrong,i can't explain what is going on in my head.The sensible part of me knows that i shouldn't keep things locked inside,but the other part of me won't allow me to disclose the torment going on in my head.It is a constant struggle at the minute to try and get things straight in my own mind,and to get my head around recent problems.
Since my operation every one keeps saying how well i have adapted,and how well i am coping,but the truth is a little different.The anger and frustration i feel deep inside is bubbling away,I know i am lucky to be here,and realise things could have been worse.I still get severe pain at the operation site,and no amount of pain killers seem to make a difference.On the plus side it isn't constant like before the op,so no matter how bad it gets i know in my heart it will fade away after a few hours.Sometimes i just want to scream at people,it is so hard to just do every day things,washing ,dressing,even doing the simplest of household chores can have me at breaking point some days.Self pity isn't going to help me overcome my disability,so i won't allow myself to cry over it,i just have to get on with it and learn to live with it.There are millions of people out there who are in a much worse state than me,so for that i should be grateful.

I have been sewn up quiet a few times by Uncle Jerry and his Dr friend.The time the dog mauled my head was one of the first times i remember,the next time was when Jerry the Dr and the Dr's pal decided to play a game called two up one down.I am sure you can work it out but just in case of any doubt two of them forced themselves inside me together,while the third one went in the back.The pain was incredible but i had socks stuffed in my mouth to make sure i couldn't scream.Feeling my insides tearing,and the blood running out of me,was nearly as horrific as the torture itself.The Dr said they had to stop as i was loosing too much blood,he got off me but the other two carried on.He told them if they didn't stop there was a chance i would bleed to death,they stopped immediately and Jerry asked him what they should do.He said they had to trust him,and he went down to his car returning with his Dr's bag in hand.
The Dr took out some things and laid them on a towel,telling Jerry to pay attention he threaded what he called special thread through a curved needle.Talking Uncle Jerry through every step he began to stitch me up inside,the other guy tied my arms to the bed before helping Jerry to hold my legs still.My body was shaking(going into shock according to the Dr)and i was drifting in and out of consciousness,yet very much aware of the pain.I saw what looked like a plastic bag filled with blood and a little plastic straw(the sort you get with drinks cartons)in his hands now.He told me this was going to hurt,but i would feel much better afterwards,all i remember thinking is it all bloody hurts and i never feel any better.They released my left arm and he told them to keep it absolutely still,tremendous pain as he forced the straw into my arm,he put a thin tube from the bag into the straw as he gave me my first blood transfusion.The three of them sat smoking and chatting while they waited for the blood to finish running into my vein,after the initial pain of the straw going in the rest was more like a dull ache.Once the transfusion had finished he quickly pulled the straw from my arm,then pressed down as hard as he could to make the blood clot,so i wouldn't bleed from the site.My arm was bandaged and fastened by my side,my legs tied down so i couldn't move and wouldn't disturb the stitches.
Uncle Jerry gave me a pain killer and told me to rest,i was physically and emotionally exhausted,every last bit of energy drained from my poor little body,i drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the day.Woken by Jerry as he untied me and ordered me to stay in bed,he was to tell my Dad i was having a really bad period and the Dr had advised i stay in bed and don't move for at least 24 hours.My Dad had no reason not to believe Jerry,and i was far too afraid to tell him the truth,so i stayed in my wet blood covered bed until the next day.Dad and Jerry brought me tablets for the pain,i think Jerry only did this so it seemed like he had actually called a Dr out to me.The next day i was still in pain and it was uncomfortable to move,but i had no choice,going to the toilet brought a new wave of pain every time,but as usual i got used to the pain and life just carried on as normal.

The nightmares and flashbacks are driving me insane,every time i close my eyes they are there.Uncle Jerry laughing as he rapes me over and over,his pals arguing over who's turn it is next.Fighting the fear and the panic is totally exhausting,both mentally and physically.Even doing the normal day to day things can be extremely traumatic when things are like this.So many every day implements have been used on me by Jerry and his gang to get their sexual kicks,that mashing potatoes,rolling pastry or using a bread knife for instance can bring terrible flashbacks.
As an adult feeling the pain from such extreme cruelty,is both sickening and harrowing,yet to feel such immense pain as a child is far beyond words.The normal pain of childhood like falling over,breaking an arm,falling out with your best friend,are all very hard on a child,yet i would have given anything for these to be the worst suffering i had to endure.I was once beaten up pretty badly by a group of girls in secondary school,but i didn't cry,nor could i say this pain was anywhere near as bad as what i put up with nearly every day.
One time Jerry and one of his pals had taken it in turns to have sex with me,and while his friend was still at it Jerry went downstairs and returned with a walking pole.I had no idea what it was at the time,or what it was used for but i knew it was a pretty scary looking thing.Whilst the two of them were stood whispering i went to get up.Jerry jabbed me in the back with the pointed end of the pole,telling me to stay where i was.Stupidly i said it was sharp,to which Uncle Jerry told me it was sharp enough to go right through someones skull,so i better not think about been awkward today.By been awkward he meant trying to get away from them,or fighting back in any way.I was absolutely terrified;i knew how sick and twisted this pair were,and i wouldn't put anything past them.The pain was awful as they pushed the pole inside my back passage as far as they could,then forced it just that little bit further.A scream escaped me as i felt the flesh inside and out rip,blood spurted at such an alarming rate that the friend began to panic.Jerry told him to calm down he could sort it out,his Doctor friend had shown him what to do in cases like this.Jerry pulled the box from the cupboard,and removed one of the needle and threads that the wonderful Doctor had left him.Telling the pal to keep me quiet he got the gauze and folded it as many times as he could,before soaking it in witch hazel.The pal held the point of the pole against my throat and said"so long as you don't move or make a sound you will be just fine".I don't know which was the most frightening,the pole on my throat,or knowing what Jerry was about to do.Taking a deep breath i bit down as hard as i could on the pillow as Uncle Jerry pushed the gauze inside me,the witch hazel stinging like hell,but the pain of him stitching my torn bottom soon out shone that by far.Tears ran silently down my face,as i prayed to god to let me die.

Poem for the J's

Thoughts are racing round and round
like GreyHounds on a track
I try to stop,push them away
it's no good they come straight back
So i guess i will have to face them
face the hurt,and deep despair
but somethings different,i don't know what
until i turn and see you there,
with arms that are wide open
to give a hug that says it all
I know that i am truly safe
I don't hide behind no wall
I don't know how to thank you
for all that you have done
But I hope deep down with all my heart
It'll be by saying the fight is won

Poem Panic

My heart is beating so hard and fast,it feels like it is going to jump out of my chest.Thunder thumping in my head joined by a bass drum,surely it is going to explode.Palms sweating hands and legs shaking,vomit rising in my throat trying it's best to escape.Keep swallowing don't be sick,don't let the panick win.
Flashbacks coming thick and fast,doing their best to destroy me.Taking in huge gulps of air as if i had been underwater,i try to calm myself down.The battle with the tears is back again,they keep trying to escape.I need to keep them inside,desperate to keep some kind of control over at least one thing.
Sinking to the floor,i know i am loosing this fight.THINK try to think what can i do,what might help.THINK think of somewhere safe,now to go there in my head.Picture the scene in my safe place,loving arms wrapped tightly around me.LISTEN listen to what they say"It's ok you are safe here,we could never hurt you,we love you.
LISTEN listen and believe,now stand up the panick is over,stand up and just breathe.

Family has never meant a great deal to me,apart from my children.I often viewed other people in their happy loving families,and felt sad and alone and always on the outside.Never really understanding why family could mean so much to some people,yet practically nothing to people like me.Don't get me wrong,i have brought my children up to believe that immediate family is important and you should always try to be there for them,but only if they would do the same for you.
In the past i have always gone running whenever my Mother or Sister have needed something,i guess you could say they would say "jump"and i would ask "how high". I never really thought about it,yet now i realise i believed that was just the way it always had been so there for was normal to me.Niether my Mother or Sister have ever really been there for me unless there was some one there to put on a show for,so i think i must have been desperate for some sort of recognition or acceptance as part of the family.
Things have certainly changed over the last 6months or so,i have finally faced up to the fact that i will never be good enough for them,or never be accepted as anything other than a slave or a puch bag(either verbally or physically)and I deserve better than that.On the other hand i have learnt what been part of a loving caring family feels like.The J's and their family treat me with respect,they show me so much warmth and love,and i know they care about me as much as i do them.They have welcomed me into their family with open arms,and i cant explain how wonderful it is to feel like you actually finally belong.
All has been quiet on the Uncle Jerry front,i don't know if it is because he is desperately ill,or if he is just lulling me into a false sense of security so untill i learn that he has passed away,i won't be letting my guard down.It can be really hard work always looking over your shoulder,not been able to leave your doors unlocked just incase he decides it's time for another beating.Trying not to show fear if a stranger aproaches you,just incase it is one of his hench men waiting to stick the boot in,been on your guard all the time is both physically and mentally exhausting,but i have to believe that the end is near and one day i will be able to live as normal life as the next person.