It has been a strange and difficult week for me.I felt the world crumbling around me,and didn't know how or if i could stop it from happening.My sister Debbie and i had a huge difference of opinion on a court case(man who abused a boy 5,when he was only 11,appeared in court age 53).The man got 18months,Debbie felt it should have been longer(she is good friends with the abused)while i thought it was a little harsh considering they were both children at the time of the offence.As you can imagine i also found my thoughts on this case very difficult to deal with:i believe all abusers no matter what their age should be punished,yet here i am almost defending one.I believe part of this comes from the fact that many people tell me i wasn't to blame for my abuse,because i was only a child:and if i am to accept this,then surely i have to accept this guy was only a child too.The disagreement between Debbie and i turned violent:as is usual if i have the nerve to disagree with a family member,i walked away with a slightly swollen cheek,but a pain inside i couldn't understand.
At my safe place that evening i discussed the issue with the j's,they both agreed with me,and were furious that Debbie thinks it is still ok to attack me physically aswell as mentally.Debbie wont aknowledge that what i have gone through was that bad,yet she is up in arms about something that happened between two children 40 years ago(i can't make sense of it)The feelings of worthlessness are over powering me again,and despite j telling me i am better than any of the family,i can't let it in.Leaving j the following morning my emotions were all over the place.All i could think of was that the j's and their family would be much better off without me in their lives,and as for my own family well i think they would be grateful too.My head was battered,i thought the best thing would be to just dissappear.Saying bye to j was extremely painful as i honestly thought this would be the last time i would see her,or feel her arms wrapped protectively around me.Sending her a text to make sure she knew how much i loved an respected her and her family,i packed a few things and headed off to the station.I didn't know or really care where i was going,i figured anywhere was better than staying here with the torment still ongoing.Once at the station stubborness kicked in again,my need to fight for survival overcoming my desire to escape,so i returned home,feeling very low and deflaited.Buying a packet of cigs(i havent had one for nearly three weeks)i felt like an emotional wreck.I smoked two by the way and felt like i had yet again let myself and every one else down,so jen if you read this i am so sorrry!
Holding it together was hard,once back with the j's they knew something was wrong.Then it hit me like a brick,not only had my family never loved me,they had never ever cared about me,and despite my secret hope that one day they would,i now had to face the facts it was never going to happen(the pain was like a knife ripping at my heart)Your'e probably thinking why was i so suprised,well to be honest i think i have always known it,but only just allowed myself to acknowledge the truth.Tears escaped as i explained to j how i felt,her love and support is overwhelming,yet i now embrace it with all my heart.Feeling weak and stupid for getting myself in such a state,it was so nice to feel loved and wanted,and assured i wasn't weak or pathetic.
Returning home the next morning i felt a lttle better,until i realised my uncle had been inside my house,his way of showing me they will never let me be,never leave me alone to have a normal life,but in my heart i know having the love and support of the truly special people in my life,and been almost part of their family,i can and i will survive whatever my darling family throw at me.I will have a life of my own.